One day I woke up to the realization that I wanted to feel more heat in my life. I wanted to feel more flow, more desire and, well, sexier. And unlike all those magazine articles offering advice on how to turn on my man, I wanted to feel sexier for myself. If it also turned on my husband, even better.

So when I decided I would source my own sexy, it was an inside job, lingerie optional. I made three key moves: I stopped criticizing my body; I started saying what I really wanted; and I fully turned myself toward the people I wanted to connect with, including my husband.

Lingerie Helps, But Feeling Sexy Is An Inside Job
My feeling sexy has nothing to do with anyone else. And the less I criticized myself, the sexier I felt, no matter what I was wearing. But finding fault with myself was familiar, and something that felt sadly normal. How many times had my girlfriends and I griped about the size or shape of body parts we disliked?

Even passion couldn't make me forget my flaws. Cringing, I would move Tim's hand away from the body parts I criticized most. As I became more aware of sourcing my sexy, I felt my energy flow stop every time I had unsexy thoughts of the unsexy parts of me, like my stretch marks or muffin top.

Pushing Tim away was really unsexy. He let me know that. I learned to take a deep breath when he got to a spot I didn't love. And I'd put all of my attention on the good feelings.

Consciously loving every inch of my body turned out to be a huge turn-on for both of us. A lifetime of seeing my breasts as in the way of everything, including athletics and drawing unwanted male attention, fell away as I bought lacy black bras that hardly qualified as "supportive."

Requiring My Man's Full Attention
I asked also Tim for the same quality of attention that he gave to his work, his colleagues and to his friends, many of whom were women younger than me. I was whiney when first making this request, but then I realized that this was such a basic requirement that I had to demand it. I wanted to be with someone who would meet all of me -- including a sensuality forgotten during the busy years of raising kids and building careers -- not just the reliable partner and loving mother.

Knowing that this was a critical ingredient to what I wanted in my relationship liberated me to express myself more fully and in ways I hadn't in years. For a while, I even wore lipstick and mascara, every day. I bought a shirt that a crafty saleswoman said I should only wear if I was
willing to be "boobalicious." It's OK, I told myself as I handed over my credit card, I can wear it when I go to California.

Swimming In Appreciation, Turning Playfully Toward My Man
I wasn't the only one re-igniting bedroom life with the self-awareness I cultivated in myself. Tim had been paying attention to the ways he could be a better lover. So when he began looking at me with new eyes, and fully appreciating me, I had to expand my ability to take it all in.

Just as I had learned to breathe and expand my physical pleasure, I also learned to breathe in and turn toward his appreciation and meet him head on. When he'd say how much he liked the way I looked or a curve of my body, at first I thought to myself: "You're just saying that" and I tensed. But over time, as he became more specific about saying what he liked about me, I'd smile and welcome the warm feelings rising up in me.

I'd sourced my own sexy and so had he.

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