I haven't showered in almost three days and if I had an office job this would be the point where I decide I'm going to sprinkle baby powder on my scalp tomorrow morning to cover up the grease. I am a disgusting manifestation of a human being.

In comparison, these girls are immaculate. They look like they shower every day.

Somehow, however, this show still manages to make me feel really good about myself.

Welcome To Your Long Overdue Bachelor Recap

I have to start by saying, I promise myself a lot of things. Like I promised myself I wouldn't take a picture of the plane that landed on the Major Deegan some days ago after sitting in its rubbernecking traffic for two hours.

I also promised myself I'd try to go out more in 2014, instead of watching so much goddamned reality tv.

But here we are.

Watching this show feels as productive as sucking back up a poop you mistook as ready for elimination. The fact is though that I've committed myself - there's no going back. Some things I'd like to note before we begin:

I've gone soft over the years, recap-wise. I'm both proud of my restraint and truly missing the days of passive-aggressively ripping crazy bitches new ones from the safety of my home computer. Think of today's recap as a return to evil, all in the name of good, fair fun! If you're a contestant:

We are in season 18. If you are on this show and have seen even a single episode from a previous season, then you know what you're getting into. And if you don't, then that's way worse, and I am doing you and society a disservice if I don't publicly psychoanalyze you in an effort to break down what it is that brought you to this point.

I hope we're all on the same page?

LET'S BEGIN

27 women, all born with two things in common - naturally really great faces and a desperate longing for their fathers' acceptance - have come to compete for an out of work soccer player's love. There are about one, maybe two, normal ones. Let the games begin.

What I'm Expecting...

I don't know what I'm expecting, but I saw full butt during an anal waxing on the reality show Vanderpump Rules recently so that's where my bar is set.

LET'S MEET JUAN PABLO

Mostly during this segment where we meet Juan Pablo I can't understand a word he's saying. Juanderful. Why did I take French in high school? I was forced to use images as my guide.

It's mostly stuff like this

I feel like I really got to know his gait when he jogs, and the alarming way his pecs rise and fall on his chest when he's doing the jogging. Is that normal? I feel like I could draw his abs from memory.

It seems he plays soccer, which I already knew because he's from South America, and that at one point he played it professionally but doesn't anymore. He definitely works out. He pets random people's dogs. He has a daughter. He is not with his daughter's mother, and his daughter is his world. He needs someone to coparent her so that it isn't anymore.

Juan Pablo's daughter arrives with her grandparents; she'll be spending the season with him because he wants to "set a good example for her." Juan Pablo's parents will be looking after the child somewhere nearby while he lays pipe over the next couple months.

LET'S MEET JUAN PABLO'S CHIQUITURI

"Hi, I'm Juan Pablo's daughter, Camila. At my tender age, I don't have the ability to coherently voice my discomfort with this situation, but I'll have to tag along as he is the sole source of my food and water."

TETE-A-TETE: BACHELOR SEAN ADVICE SESSION

Juan Pablo is seen playing with his daughter, and tells us that he's about to meet 25 beautiful women, which is I guess the Spanish translation for "27 beautiful women" ??

Former Bachelor Sean Lowe walks in, waay too confidently to Ludacris' "Area Codes" in his mind. Before Juan Pabs can get a word in, Sean is like "Treat dem like dey yo bitches - cuz dey's yo bitches now."

Very few people know that Sean has been living for this moment, honing and rehearsing his advice, ever since Chris Harrison called him with the news. He's had his shirt picked out for months.

Sean looks like way more of a dork than he did on either of his two seasons, I'm compelled to note here. And he looked like a HUGE DORK on his seasons. Shirts really seem to dictate this.

After standing outside with JP's daughter for a bit they go inside the hut leaving the child unattended and jump right into bro talk. Juan Pabs is like "I'm horrible with names" and Sean is like, "IZZ HARRRD, SON". He then gives him a lot of weirdly honest straightforward talk for the rest of their bro session, mostly about how to maximize yo playa game during this one-of-a-kind bro journey. I can't help but respect him for this, though I'd like it even more if he'd change his shirt. What are these shirts he wears? He really needs a second opinion on those shirts.

ENTER CHRIS HARRISON

Chris Harrison's favorite song is probably Jay-Z's Public Service Announcement because dude is really into reintroducing himself all the fucking time. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE

LET'S MEET THE GIRLS

Ok, SO! It turns out that hormone-packed cow's milk is doing this newest generation GOOD, because not a single one of these ladies is lacking in the t and a department AND they're barely legal. Muy caliente! Arriba arriba! (I'm getting most of this stuff from old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons. That's not offensive right?)

Chelsie is a Science Educator, which is something like a science teacher, I'm assuming? WTF are these titles?

Renee has a son (dealbreaker), and some of her favorite things to do are paddleboard and rollerblade. One of my favorite things to do is sort through old boxes of clothes from the move last year and rediscover old items of clothing I was absolutely sure I'd lost. <== I can't tell you how rewarding this is

Renee seems super smart and normal at first, but then I recall she's on a game show competing with other women for the love of a man she's never met.

The next girl is Andi. Andi introduces herself as a gang prosecutor, which means I can't possibly have heard her right. A gang prosecutor? What is that? It doesn't matter; she looks like Katherine McPhee and my mom says she's her favorite.

She could win this you guys.

The next girl is Amy J, a masseuse who is apparently terrible at her job, because, she claims, none of her ex-boyfriends like massages - this kind of person does not exist. Amy goes, "I thought I'd be married at 31, but the fact that I'm not is... wonderful... because it's allowed me to get to know who I truly am." And I've discovered that I'm someone who is gradually losing her mind the farther out from 31 I get while still not being married.

Amy comes off pretty genuinely insane during this piece, I have to say, I really don't think it's just the edit they gave her. She seems weird in a bad way and I usually love weird? Maybe it's her carefree attitude re: creepshots

We will either laugh-through or cringe-for-the-duration-of whatever time alone she gets with Juan Pablo later during the cocktail party before she ultimately gets sent home.

Next we have Nikki, who's a pediatric nurse.

All I could think about was how I definitely don't look as good as she does when hovering over another human being.

Nikki tells us, "I don't want to settle in my love life." Well she came to the right place, AMIRITE? Andalay!

This is Lauren H.

Lauren H is a mineral coordinator, which is either a REALLY COOL profession that I want to learn more about, or something they're calling the people behind the jewelry counters these days.

Lauren H's heartbreaking story, shared profoundly early - and, I expect, many more times tonight the more booze she gets in her system - is that she was broken up with by phone by her fiancé relatively recently. They were planning a wedding. Well, this certainly sounds like the perfect time to bounce back by going on a reality show to compete for the love of one man amidst a bevy of other women who are either just-as-good or better-looking than you are.

I'm VERY excited to watch Lauren H's story unfold.

Next we meet Valerie. Valerie tells us she's pretty, twice. Valerie sucks.

Valerie says "Ugly people need love, too" while feeding farm animals during her piece, which is pretty much all you need to know about her.

Lacy is a 25-year-old nursing home owner who founded her business at the age of 20. I instinctively have trouble believing this story. I decide this is snobbish and condescending of me. Her comments about coming from "a family of 13, with 9 of them being special needs" do help me to come around to the possibility of her owning an elderly care franchise - but not really.

Lacy's really sweet and grounded, but at the same time seems like the kind of person who would try a fad diet called "The Chew It Up And Spit It In Your Dog's Mouth" Diet.

Next up, Clare.

Clare immediately tells us she's part Mexican, like it's part of her game plan. Uh oh, HER DAD DIED you guys. And she seems to really miss him. This is an upsetting segment and it starts me thinking about Lisa on Desperate Housewives of Miami and her struggle to conceive a child, because Clare looks exactly like Lisa.

The footage of Clare is mostly Clare flipping through old pictures of when she used to be happy while cameramen crowd her space in an effort to capture her sadness in the best possible light.

I think Juan Pablo'll take really nicely to the girl who brought a DVD message recorded by her father before his death for the man she marries to a dating game show interview. It's limo time!

LIMO TIME

Chris Harrison says a lot of very grandiose and upbeat things about what's to come on the show while keeping a stone-cold straight face through the entire delivery. He is dead inside- there's no arguing it now.

Amy L is 27 and a Local News Reporter from Orlando, FL. JP studies her ass for a good four seconds as she walks into the house, turns around and says, "Whew." Amy is staying.

Cassandra is 21 and a Former NBA Dancer - so, Unemployed - from Rochester Hills, MI. I couldn't hear a word Cassandra said, and I rewound it three times to try and rehear it. Also this was a very awkward exchange between her and JP. On the plus side, she's definitely got a hot-to-trot 70s porn star look about her, but who watches 70s porn anymore.

Christy is 24 and a Marketing Manager from Aurora, IL.

Christy's rocking that dirty-faced look some girls unwittingly rock when their bronzer, fake tan and bottled hair color combine to make them look more like Pig-Pen than fresh-faced and ready for love; clearly this is only my personal view, however, as Juan Pablo tells her "you're gorgeous." Christy wore the closest thing to a wedding dress you can wear without actually wearing a wedding dress. Congratulations?

Christy is forgettable, but Christy has a great rack, so Christy will get a rose.

Christine is 23 and a Police Support Specialist from Miami, FL. She brought a bracelet with his daughter's name on it, which is a cool gift I guess if you're into giving your child gifts from complete strangers who have never met them.

Nikki is the 26yo Pediatric Nurse from Kearney, MO, and she comes in hot, bringing with her a stethoscope that she instructs JP to use on her. After she walks off he tells producers "No more leeeemoz," indicating that he would be satisfied if the girls he's met so far were the only girls competing this evening, and that if producers stop sending in limos it would be ok with him. At that moment a new limo pulls up and JP excitedly gets back to it.

Out of the second limo walks Kat, a 29yo Medical Sales Rep from Scottsdale, AZ. Kat has a great body and "smells good, very good" according to JP. She is not memorable but nice enough. That sounds bad I have nothing against her..

Chantel is 27 and an Account Manager from San Diego, CA. JP and Chantel spend an hour pronouncing her name after which she walks into the mansion.

Victoria is 24 and a Legal Assistant from Boca Raton, FL. Wait no, she just told Juan Pabs she's from Brazil. Someone came to play.

BAREFOOT, Lucinda from Santa Barbara steps out of the limo next, and did I mention she's barefoot? She's 24 and has no shoes. On the yellow line where it would usually list her occupation it says "Free Spirit." What the fuck is this

Danielle is 25 and a Psychiatric Nurse from St. Louis, MO. She is on ABC's payroll and will be boarding with the girls to keep tabs on their mental health/cultivate a stable environment/administer meds.

Lauren S from Austin, Tex comes into frame; she's wheeling a big ass piano towards Juan Pabs which must mean she's like a piano builder, or maybe a welder or something?- I'm not sure yet. She proceeds to play the piano terribly! She's a Music Composer.

Here's the thing. I feel like, when you do these kinds of big scale gimmicks, you really have to nail them, otherwise you come out looking like an idiot trying to pedal a giant piano on wet cobblestone in eveningwear. Like it's just sad.

My bad; Juan Pablo didn't catch her name and he ran into the house after her to go get it. Clearly into Lauren S.

The next girl out of the limo is Chelsie, who we met earlier. This was super awk, perhaps the most awk first impression of the night. Nothing could possibly happen later tonight that could top this, making it the second most awkward thing that happens..

Next up is Valerie, the girl who told the lens of a camera she's pretty and symbolically murdered Juan Pablo by bow and arrow in an earlier segment. When she got out of the limo I thought I heard her say "did you notice my boobs when I walked up?" and I didn't even flinch. It would have been Classic Val. But no she said "did you notice my boots," so..forget it.

Elise is 27 and a First Grade Teacher from Forty Fort, PA. I need to talk about Elise's dress.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DRESS

Next up is 25yo grade school teacher Ashley, from Dallas, Texas. Ashley came up with the idea to stick a gold star on Juan Pabs lapel, GET IT? Ugh. YOU BORE ME. WHO'S NEXT

Ah yes, the ol 'Fake Baby Bump As Guy Wrangler' maneuver. I know it well. 0% efficacy rate unfortunately.

Clare is a very literal girl. When she heard Juan Pabs wants to have more kids, she knew the best way to show him she's on the same page was to physically begin growing his child within her from the seed she extracted out of a pile of tissues retrieved from his bathroom trash. In wearing a fake baby bump, Clare is showing Juan Pablo just how incredibly batshit she is and that if he knows what's good for him he will start running in the opposite direction. (He will literally have to start running from her for her to get the message, it's the only way she'll comprehend what's happening.) I think Juan Pabs can tell this one definitely can't be trusted to chauffer around his daughter while he's out being "a sports and music agent."

Alli is 26 and a nanny, from Chicago. Alli's wearing soccer cleats and kicks a ball over to J-Pabs, saying, "I'm looking for a teammate." Ugh. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GENUINE CONVERSATION

Next up, Amy J!

This is a dress apocalypse. I know that's a very unflattering picture of Amy but I needed her to see it. Amy, throw away that dress.

Next out of the limo? Renee! The single mother we met earlier. Then next is Lauren H, the jilted one, who thankfully keeps quiet about the whole iancé-fey ilting-jay ituation-say before heading into the house to start crumbling from the weight of it.

Maggie is a 24yo personal banker from North Augusta, SC and Kelly is an unemployed dog lover from Atlanta who thought it'd be cute to bring her dog along. Maybe if it was a frenchie but her dog was dumb-looking. If I were Juan Pablo I would reject her on the basis of not wanting to be seen walking that dog.

I have not had a bowel movement in 24 hours. I've just been thinking about that. I've been thinking, eating and breathing this show since Monday night and all I've really packed my mouth with is carbs and Coke to stave off the suicidal thoughts. I just looked up "i can feel my heart beating in my lips" - apparently it's anxiety? Writing about reality tv gives me anxiety. Look mom, I made it!

Next is Lacy, the "Nursing Home Owner." Lacy fed him a pill from a GIGANTE pill bottle she stole out of an elderly patient's bathroom cabinet. This girl really knows how to turn a guy on! I'm this close to throwing my computer across the room

Alexis is 24 and a communications director from Tampa. Alexis sprechen sie Spanish. From what I know of Juan Pablo's English, that ability will be a GAMECHANGER.

Next is Kylie, age 23.

Kylie is a redhead who wore a pink dress, cue obligatory mocking. No but honestly that's a terrible dress, did you get that in Walmart's toddler pageant section? Nothing could happen to her later tonight that would be any more embarrassing than wearing that dress.

Sharleen is an opera singer. Sharleen is humble, dressed appropriately, seems smart and is not quick to throw herself at a man she's just met. How did she get on this show.

Andi rounds out the bevy, and we move into commercial.

COCKTAIL PARTY / DRINKING COMMENCES

Back from commercial and the girls are greeted by Juan Pablo inside the home. Cue incessant giggling and laughing at literally everything he says despite none of it being funny. Why do we do this? Why do we girls DO THIS.

There's a photo booth set up for the party, and this lends an air of legitimacy to what I'm doing here, given this is a wedding blog. Weddings have photo booths, so, yeah.

Nikki's first to meet with Juan Pablo. Nikki spent two weeks bedazzling her dress so she's not going to just sit around on her ass waiting for him to approach her.

Nikki tells him she's not just a nurse, she's a pediatric nurse, expecting a reaction. She continues to talk and Juan P attempts to speak English to her, getting out "you .... heart .... BOOM BOOM." This is pretty much the theme of the night. Juan Pablo half-drunk and trying to parse together answers to the few words of English he can pull from what the girls are saying to him.

Renee and JP talk outside, too. She reveals the fact that she got married to her ex because she was pregnant, which is a good ice breaker I think. They go on to milk the *we're both parents of young kids so we have that in common* thing for all it's worth and conversation quickly dries up.

Next is Lucy, the free spirit who hates shoes. GTFO of my face Lucy.

Amy J the masseuse is next up. Her game plan is to sexually assualt Juan Pabs during a romantic outdoor massage. She achieves this. Here's what you need to know about Amy J: she climaxes during work hours and no way is her crazy ass staying past this episode.

When we come back from commercial I start to get the idea that things are about to get significantly more intense, because the music is instructing me to think that way.

Jilted goes, "I have such a great life but my love life has sucked and so I deserve a rose if anybody here does." Can't argue with that.

After exchanging pleasantries with the bachelor, Elise tells us she believes her recently deceased mother is working through Juan Pablo to create a love match for her all the way from Heaven. Whatever gets you through it.

Next we pan to a group of girls becoming noticeably anxious for whatever reasons their individual troubled upbringings bring to the table. Jilted is starting to lose her shit. Her otherwise completely normal reaction to competing on television against other women for the love of an out of work father is not the norm reaction in her current environment, so she's beginning to question herself. Save for Sharleen, each of these girls is literally certifiable. One even believes her dead mom's eyes were looking at her through JP's head. These women are disconnected shells of their former selves. (I don't have anything funny to say about that, it's just sad and upsetting.)

Jilted spends the next 5 edited minutes going around explaining how stable, positive and strong she is through an endless waterfall of tears.

Now it's time for Jilty to one-on-one with JP. I think this will go well!

She starts out with "I didn't want to lead with this, but.." Not good. I'm a little worried she'll lead with the breakup. Still I have confidence that she won't be stupid enough to get into the details, like mentioning that canceled wedd-OHMYSHIT she just mentioned it. At this point I'm watching through a slit between my fingers because this has turned into a horror movie. How does she not know this is a bad topic? I'm becoming concerned that Elise's deceased mother has hijacked the conversation. Every girl knows that you don't talk about your crazy on the first date. It's basic dating training. You don't unleash the crazy until at LEAST three months in.

In her interview, moments after talking Juan Pablo's ear off about the insurmountable pain she's been going through after being jilted just a few months ago, she says she "hopes she didn't mess it up."

-

Stuff happens and I don't care. Then it's Sharleen meeting outside with Juan Pablo. I start paying attention again.

They sit down and Juan Pablo tells Sharleen he likes her dress; "it's different." Sharleen's wearing a dress that fails to direct 100% of Juan's retinal attention to the breast and buttocks areas of her body - this affords Juan a unique opportunity to focus more of his blood flow on cultivating a meaningful mental connection. Best strategy of the night. Who knew that all it took to connect meaningfully with another human being was to not impersonate a Bratz Doll while you're talking to him?

Juan Pablo is super into the opera singer. So am I. Juan Pablo has decided to give her the first impression rose. When he gets up Sharleen has NOTHING good to say about him. On his way to get the rose he passes some girls sitting nearby

and greets them accordingly. Juan Pablo sits back down next to Sharleen, he offers her the rose. She all but runs away screaming from him before accepting it. She asks producers that her answer to "What is your biggest fear" be changed to "taking IQ tests" on the Potential Dating Scenarios questionnaire she was asked to fill out during casting.

Sharleen was clearly apprehensive about accepting the rose. It's possible that in her attempts to connect with him on a more intellectual level, she was left Juanting more.

At this point I'm Juan hour and 30 minutes into the show and many more hours than that into the recap and I'm considering scrapping the whole thing, just so that I can stop watching. I'm actually ashamed to admit to you how much time I've spent on this, I literally won't ever tell you. It's that embarrassing to me.

TIME TO HAND OUT SOME ROSES

As I watch these girls assemble I can't help but notice how pisspoor my commitment to nail, hair, body and face maintence is in comparison. According to their bios on abc.com, most of the ladies in this bevy spend upwards of one hour on their hair and makeup before leaving their home. And I bet they're not spending 45 minutes of it sitting on their bed lamenting the fact that they even have to do it, like I do. My evening hair and makeup routine is a 15-minute RUSH TO COMPLETION right before we have to leave, which means the below happens way more often than I'd like it to

Don't you hate it when that happens? I facking HATE IT.

ROSE CEREMONY

After a brief meeting with Chris Harrison to rehearse the girls' names, Juan Pablo is ready to start the ceremony.

Chris instructs the girls on how to react if Juan Pablo indeed offers them a rose; saying- "step over, accept the rose." Everyone's like, "DUHHH" except for Kylie, who struggles to understand.

It is time for Juan Pablo to find a mother for his daughter.

Juan Pablo steps out into the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo says some really insincere shit and then picks Baby Bump as his numero uno. WHAT? Ok.

Here are the people who get roses:

Nikki. Renee. Andi. Alli. Chantel. Lauren S. Kelly and that dog. Cassandra. Danielle. Chelsie. Ka-OHMYGOD KYLIE JUST STEPPED FORWARD WHEN HE SAID 'KAT' OHHHMYGODDDD I AM DYYYIIIIINGGGGG

Victoria. (I didn't even know there was a Victoria.) Christie. Lucy the fucking IDIOT. Elise.

And the Final Rose goes to...

Amy L.

Here's who didn't get roses:

Christine. Ashley. Amy J. Kylie. Lauren H.

I am left feeling genuinely sorry for these women.

THE END THANK GOD

Ok so, did the ones you wanted to make it make it? What do you think of Juan Pablo?

Btw, I hope this recap wasn't a fucking BORE. I've checked it over so much now that I literally can't tell if it's even worth publishing anymore. Probably not Juan of my best I'm afraid.

xo, Alison

Credits: eyeliner meme via the internet

Label(s): *Bachelor/ette Recaps