Back in the days of gardens and innocence, when I got engaged, there were questions a prospective bride needn't think of which have now become essential.

We were not quite in a garden - but in a park, when my husband proposed. Sheepishly, I thought to ask if he already had children. But beyond that, a girl didn't worry about skeletons of Jane Eyre dimension popping out of a guy's closet.

Times change, and for their own protection, today's brides need to be savvy and ask more questions - especially when marrying out of their culture.

Naturally, some pre-nuptial questions should be asked by everyone: where they will live, family, religion, sexually transmitted and genetic diseases, and in this decade student debt. But due to serious problems I've seen with intercultural marriage, I offer five questions which could protect a hopeful bride from hellish situations.

In the Middle East and Asia, where family elders are usually involved in marriage arrangements, they investigate potential pitfalls. In America it's up to the bride herself. With the massive immigration of the past decades, there are large numbers of people who carry with them the values of their birth culture. When it comes to cuisine, this is great! But in regards to intercultural marriages it puts uninformed women at risk. Brides don't even know what to ask.

Helpful hint: marriage in Islam is seen as a contract - a business proposition - not a "sacrament". Thus, the cultural view towards marriage is different. Knowing this is essential to understanding differences.

If you are an American or European woman of non-Muslim background, do yourself a favor and ask the following questions before entering a serious relationship with a Muslim man:

1. Are you already married?

This is the biggy. It seems almost too crazy to be true, but you must ask. In the past, most people in America were from here or assimilated. They knew that marrying when you already had a wife was bigamy - a serious crime, and wrong. For this deed, our federal government hunted men from state to state.

But bigamy is happening in America now with increased frequency and decreased government intervention.

Multiple marriages are being certified through mosques. It is not always clearly explained if other wives exist, that these marriages are not legal, and that these wives have no legal rights of marriage. They are considered single, and even encouraged to apply to the state for aid when they become mothers.

For example, consider a married Egyptian man I know who lives in America with his wife, and whose children I have met. Imagine my surprise when I heard got engaged! A friend of mine new and revealed the truth of his marriage state to his stunned American fiancé.

When confronted, the Egyptian explained to her, "It's true I am married. I don't want to divorce my first wife for the sake of my children. But you are the one I love. We will marry in the mosque and you will be my 'real wife'."

Would that explanation work for you?

Middle Eastern men often come to America alone to study or to earn money to send home. Home... where unknown to anyone in America, they may already have a wife and children. Since Islam allows men four wives at once, in their mind they do nothing wrong by marrying an American in addition to another wife.

2. Do you accept American laws and customs when they conflict with Islamic, especially regarding child custody and women's rights?

Children in Islam belong to the husband. He can take them from the wife entirely after they have reached an age of about 8 years old. Some of my friends have lost their children this way, and because of it others live in fear of marital break-up.

The Koran and hadith grant husbands other rights which could be unacceptable to Western wives. For example, the Muslim marriage contract entitles the man to not only exclusive, but also on-call sexual services from his wife, regardless of her activity or mood at the time. Likewise, we read, as I have observed, that a wife may not leave the house or allow anyone into it without her husband's permission.

In a recent rape case in the Middle East a cleric condemned the victim saying, "Maybe she did not have a good reason for leaving the house."

Legally in Islam a woman can be divorced by pronouncement. Top clerics have decided that text message is an acceptable vehicle for divorce. Disturbingly, a man can even pronounce divorce upon his wife without her knowing it - while she continues to give him services, including sex. Later, when he tells her she has been divorced, she is obliged reimburse him for her keep for those days. (Seriously, this is in a recent book of rulings by a popular contemporary Islamic cleric.)

3. Can I practice my non-Islamic faith, and to what extent?

No doubt the answer will be "yes" if you are of Christian or Jewish background. Other faiths are usually considered idolaters (mushrikeen) and totally unacceptable to Muslims.

You may think that your fiancé is open, yet be aware that although agreeable before marriage, things may change. Muslim men tend to get more religious as they get older. One of my friends was divorced for not converting to Islam, although her husband had promised to respect her faith to both her and her father pre-nuptially.

4. What is your immigration status?

5. Do you believe in temporary marriage? Will this be a temporary marriage?

It is not uncommon to hear marriage being used as a solution to immigration problems, in real life as well as books and movies. For example, a friend from Palestine had a protracted immigration case. As a solution, Muslim contacts in America repeatedly suggested to him that he briefly marry then divorce an American woman.

When marriage is seen as primarily as a contract, why not use it as a stepping stone into America... or for other services?

Temporary marriage is controversial in Islam. It is documented and firmly accepted in Shia Islam - at least by the men; Shiite women tell me they hate it and do not accept it for their husbands (as far as they know). Misyar, is a form of temporary marriage practiced by some Sunnis, but it is less accepted.

Officially, temporary marriage should have mutually agreed upon length and pre-set payment determined in advance. The time can range from an hour to years. A man's other wife/wives need not be informed of the arrangement.

This may sound like prostitution to you, as it does to me, but that's not the way it is viewed by the American Shiite mosques which arrange and encourage it. They claim they are assisting the desperate refugees who come to them for assistance.

Understanding the terms does not avert the risk of hurt. A Western woman I know of willingly practices temporary marriage for money, but had the unfortunate experience of falling in love with her "husband". He was true to the arrangement. He used the marriage for convenient sexual companionship, and did not fulfill her dream of making it permanent.

But in America, a bride might not know she is getting into a temporary marriage.

A California university student I knew married a man from the Gulf, converted to Islam, and started covering with black abayas and hijab. Once, we were talking as I drove a group back from a parade. In passing I mentioned that she was still a "bride", since she had been married just less than a year. "Bitterly she answered, "Don't call me that. My husband has asked for an annulment."

Her story unfolded that, his education concluded, her husband returned to the Middle East. When her long-awaited trip to join him occurred, she was kept sequestered from any female relatives. Her husband and his uncles convened with her alone, and pressured her to file for annulment in the USA. They explained to her that he could not be married to an American due to security reasons since he was in the military of his nation.

Handed the platitude of possible marriage at a later date, she was sent packing. Then, having had no legal marriage, he was free from any ties to her, and could tell his family and next fiancé that he was never married.

Some of my Shiite friends excused this tragic episode in the life of our mutual acquaintance with little apparent concern,. "American girls sleep around, so what's the difference?" one said. "The difference," I replied, "is that when American girls marry they plan on it lasting forever, even if it ends in divorce. They deserve to be told the truth."

Two years later those Shiite friends left Islam, partly because of abuses to women, like temporary marriage.

This episode disturbed me about the abuse potential of naïve American women. I was confused how the husband could be in the military and a student in the USA. I wanted to know more. So at different times I interviewed others from his nation, one of whom likewise was a foreign student in his nation's military. They verified that dual student/military identity was possible and that he could not marry an outsider without approval.

However, they added that this rule was not a minor detail, but something that he would clearly know from training, prior to college and his marriage. So he married knowing it couldn't last, and keeping the temporary nature of the relationship secret from his wife.

Do any of us marry without illusions? To reduce these, experts advise thorough pre-nuptial discussion on every aspect of marriage. Beyond that I advise brides, if you are looking toward a romantic relationship with someone from out of your culture, don't assume he's thinking what you're thinking. Learn the risks and the questions to ask.